Buttock Cheek Gashes? Seriously?

Last week I was having coffee with a friend and we were swapping stories of the ridiculous ways people find our respective blogs.  We both started our blogs in May 2009 (total coincidence), and since then we’ve been entertained by the searches that bring people to our sites.

It’s no lie that a percentage of our readers find our blogs purely via Bing/Google as they’re on their way to finding something else.  It’s also not a lie what they type into that little search box; in most cases, it’s just my name or the name of my blog.  In many cases, I’m embarrassed for them.  Let me show you why…

A List of the Most Bizarre Search Engine Terms that Lead to My Blog

chicken feet got paralyzed
You paralyzed your chicken?!  Shouldn’t you be searching for a tiny chicken cast?

sliced my leg
You might want to get off the computer and get to a hospital.

things that become engulfed
Ew.

airplane etiquette switching seats
By far the most searches that lead to my site are about etiquette (besides the searches for the blog name or my name).  Especially airplane etiquette.  Keep in mind next time you fly that everyone around you is watching your etiquette.  Thoughtful?  Absolutely.  Pressure?  Huge.  

buttock cheek gashes
I don’t know which bothers me more — the fact that this person is using a search engine rather than a medical facility, the fact that I can identify, or that it’s plural.

women attaining the learning of her husband
The archaic Bible-sounding searches never fail to creep me out.

like yoga hate downward facing dog
In other words, “I like a toned body but hate working out.” 

moms under table no panties
Can’t…even…form…response.

man woman champagne
I’ll leave you two alone.

chicken’s foot seems to be paralyzed
How many people have paralyzed chickens!?  And honestly, how can you tell the difference between a functioning chicken foot and a paralyzed one?  Last I recall, most chicken feet are pretty tough little suckers. 

boyd’s bear named abby
THE HORROR!  THERE BETTER NOT BE A BOYD’S BEAR WITH MY NAME ON IT!

good word for unattractive
Fugly.

person who is good with words
And you chose my site?  Aw, shucks. 

michael reph
Um, will the woman who is Googling my husband please step forward?

whistler and blackcomb belly laugh and
This is just weird because someone lifted a sentence from my blog and then tried to search for it.  You think I plagiarized?  Why would I steal mediocre writing when I can just do it myself?

abby reph good writing
That one is always good for the ego.

arrivederci response
Good to know people are looking to me for help with their Italian.

how to write awkward email to acquaintance
If you really want it to be awkward, I’m sure you can accomplish that all on your own.

chilran reph muvi
I can only assume this was somehow taking my surname in vain.  In which case, how dare you!

Next week a new guest blogger makes her debut, regaling us with tales of working in the inner city school system of Philadelphia.  Trust me, you won’t want to miss this one.

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5 Comments

Filed under AwkWORD (Humor)

5 responses to “Buttock Cheek Gashes? Seriously?

  1. Sam

    How did you figure that out!?

  2. Dylan

    19?! You had to outdo me, didn’t you? Gotta admit, I think you win. I’m writing ridiculous stuff on purpose, so I should get weird searches. You on the other hand…

    • abbyreph

      Outdo? More like a sad attempt. I just had to hit something close to my normal word count or people would accuse me of slacking.

  3. Nina

    “buttock cheek gashes” – if the person read the post that this led to, i’m sure the laughter eased their pain, if only for a few minutes.

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