Yesterday at Steven’s Pass, Mike, Annie and I boarded a chairlift with what turned out to be a very precocious 7-year-old, who was wearing a helmet covered in neon-pink spandex in the shape of a pig’s head. The following is as true a story as I can retell without the aid of a digital recorder.
Annie: The conditions are pretty much perfect. If it was snowing I wouldn’t even be here.
Abby: Really? Because of visibility, or the —
Pig Helmet Girl: LOOK! SKI SCHOOLERS!
Annie: Uh, yeah…there’s some ski schoolers down there…do you take lessons?
Pig Helmet Girl: NO. I don’t need them.
Annie: Oh, that’s great! How long have you been skiing?
Pig Helmet Girl: Since I was one and three-quarters.
Abby: Wow. That’s young.
Mike: I don’t think I was even walking.
Annie: I think I started when I was like 12 or so, which, honestly, was sooo long ago.
Pig Helmet Girl: How old ARE you?
Annie: Twenty-five. Old. I’m so old.
Mike: You’re old balls.
Pig Helmet Girl: I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
Abby: (silence, pretending this isn’t happening)
Abby: (deciding to finally address the pig helmet) I like your helmet!
Pig Helmet Girl: (silence, pretending this isn’t happening)
Annie: I’m cold.
Abby: Oh, it’s because you don’t have your hat with you…even your ears look cold. They’re turning red!
Pig Helmet Girl: MAN ARE THEY RED. YOUR EARS ARE REALLY RED. AND THEY’RE SQUISHED BY YOUR GOGGLES SO THEY ARE RED AND SQUISHED.
Annie: Um, thanks.
Mike: So last night we were at the Triple Door, and you wouldn’t believe this band. It was the most obnoxious wedding-singer cover band we’d ever seen.
Abby: And you’ll never believe their name — “Dudley Manlove.” Seriously.
Annie: Oh my gaw, I love it.
Abby: I think the real low point was when we heard the opening strands of “It’s not unusual to be loved by anyone…”
Annie: Tom Jones! Yes!
Pig Helmet Girl: TOM JONES!? (bursts into song) SHE’S A LAAAADYYYYY…WHOA WHOA WHOA SHE’S A LADY!
Abby/Annie/Mike: (nearly fall off chairlift due to hyperventilating laughter)
Annie: You know Tom Jones?
Pig Helmet Girl: Of course.
And without further explanation, we ski off the lift.